My Dr. Mario Online Rx Intervention
Recently I've become addicted to a little Nintendo Wii game called Dr. Mario Online Rx
It started as another sleepless night. Making fun of 15 year old girls on stickam had gotten old and I was missing the usual feeling of wanting to play Smash Bros. online, so I decided to invest my last 1000 Wii Points into the relatively new Dr. Mario Online Rx. These 1000 Wii Points were not to be taken lightly either. Since they had been purchased in early January I had made it my goal to save them until I saw the release of EarthBound on the virtual console. That unfortunately is probably not going to happen, at least not for a long while. So I went ahead and purchased a game that would eventually be the destruction of every moral fiber in my soul.
The eventual aquiring of this title came as a big surprise even to myself. I couldn't help but feel disgusted and a little amazed at the fact that I was paying money for this download only Wii game. You see, I hated Dr. Mario growing up. I hated it like other children hated their creepy uncle that always wants to play trains in the basement. The fact that Nintendo took the time to take its mascot, and turn him into a pill flinging, semi-Tetris clone whore made me want to drink massive amounts of liquor after ingesting a bottle of Vicoden. Every portion of it pissed me off. Why were these faggot virii getting in the way of my pills? Oh, I have to use the pills to delete them? Fuck that, I'm playing Megaman 2. Watch out Crash Man, I'm coming to get you (for the 17th time). But nevertheless, I had heard good things, and the kicker... I could thrash people online with my monster skills of prescribing lots of funny colored pills in one bottle, whilst curing dangerous diseases. The thought of someone later purchasing this bottle of pills and getting confused with the color variation only to circum to the fate I almost faced as a child (had I not played Megaman 2) made my crotch wet. I clicked download and forked over the 1000 Wii Points with visions of grandeur of making 8 year olds cry due to failure at pharmaceutical practices.
(Translates to Dr. Mario, Pill Hero 5 Happy Internet Sex)
The download only took a few brief seconds and I was ready to go.
I pressed (+) and was presented with a few options, including 1P, 2P, Nintendo WFC, Options, Records, and some other bullshit I can't remember. Seeing the 1P instantly reminded me of my childhood and I began looking for the liquor. I snapped out of it and zoomed to Ninendo WFC. Next, okay, yes connect, okay Worldwide, okay... What the hell is this? Classic and Flash? I read that Flash is some bullshit where I only have to delete certain virii and that seemed stupid. What kind of doctor fixes you're cold but leaves you with AIDS? So I chose Classic Mode. Finally, the game searches for a victim. I see my ranking is set at 5000. I don't know if thats good or bad but if it's starting me out on it, it probably sucks. Great, my victims will go quickly and without a fight. I am soon presented with a future sacrifice. It appears to be a little girl. Hah! You will be destroyed little Linda!
We battled furiously, after about 5 minutes, I was greatly impressed by my immediate skills. I had already knocked out 4 of 16 virii on the screen when suddenly...
(Graphical representation of what went on at this point in the story.)
I lost? What the fuck is this shit? This is complete garbage! AND my rating has been lowered!? We'll see Linda, we'll see. And after that, it was one match after another of getting my ass handed to me. It wasn't until I was in the low 3000's that I had considered giving up on Dr. Mario, but by then it was too late. By then... I had succumbed to the darkness that is Dr. Mario Online Rx.
Stay tuned in the coming week for "My Dr. Mario Online Rx Intervention, Part 2" and see how this heartbreaking story unfolds.